Joni Mitchell sang the song: Both Sides Now. It is one of those hauntingly beautiful songs, with such delicate lyrics sung to a stirring tune. It plucks at your heart strings. It gives you a lump in your throat. It makes you miss someone you have yet to meet. It makes you long for a world of innocence where boy meets girl, girl daydreams about boy, and the story has a happy ever after ending. It reminds me of how unfair life has been to me. Why did God read the instructions wrong? Why did he give my talent to Joni Mitchel? I think I could have done real well singing that song to adoring crowds, while Joni was in the kitchen making sure the next meal was on time. I think Joni would have made an excellent caterer.

Joni is described as “the most important and influential female recording artist of the late 20^th century.” Again, life is not fair. My epitaph will most probably read: Here lies Sjarlene. She burnt her last batch of biscuits and never quite managed to sort out the left hand side drawer of the sideboard. We all have a drawer like that. It is a woman’s equivalent of a mini man cave. We keep useful things there. Such as odd serviettes, the note book you got at the conference (that one where you had to Google the guest speaker, since you had no idea who he was) , a spare curtain hook, a safety pin, somebody’s jam recipe on a scrap of paper…. you know that drawer. We all have one.

And so, I was driving along one morning, on my way to a meeting, when my quiet country road’s traffic (all of three cars) came to a dead standstill. I looked at the cause of this extreme hold up and took a photo. Not many people would swallow my excuse of: I had to wait for the cows to leave the road. Thank heavens for cell phones. I took the photo, sent it to my appointment, and asked: is this a good enough reason to be late for our meeting? I once worked with a person who lived on a small farm with her family. She one morning told me that she has come to realise the full meaning of the phrase: Wait for the cows to come home. They had invested in a couple of cows (they were essentially farming with pigs), but cows seemed a good idea. Apparently, you can wait a very long time for cows to come home. Almost as long as you wait for them to walk up a road, to greener pastures. All the time, I was humming the song “Both Sides Now”, and it made me think.

I too have looked at many things from both sides now, I just don’t sing about it. Traffic is one. I have been late for meetings before because I got stuck on the N1 behind a cash in transit robbery. I was on my way to meet up with my Sales Team to do a presentation and I had all the material in the car with me, which was now completely stationery on the Highway. Future Client and Sales Team were forgiving and understanding. Everyone in Gauteng knows that traveling the N1 can come with complications. Being trapped behind the Cow Fun-run however, is unforgivable. Surely you knew that there are dairy farms along that road, I was asked. Next time, plan your day around milking hours, I was told. Coming home on the same road, a few hours later, and yes, there I was. This time stuck behind SHEEP! Really? What is it with farmers, all of a sudden moving livestock from one point to the other?  Is it really necessary for cows to see a field from both sides, and for sheep to occupy both sides of the road?

The difference between being stuck on a highway, as compared to a country road, lies in the entertainment value. I had a way of resigning myself to the fact that I was on a busy road, and nothing I could do would change the fact. And so, I looked around. I can people watch for hours, and the N1 was happy to oblige. There were the ones trying to change lanes and in doing so, actually just made the traffic worse. You had the ones that had distractions in the car, and needed a toot for them to shuffle forward a single car length. You could almost guess the radio station they were listening to. Thanks to cell phones, it became more difficult to spot the ones talking to themselves. Sometimes I would shuffle past a friendly person that would greet me with a smile, only for me then to shuffle past them, and greet again, with a smile. We would become smiling buddies. And the creme-de-la-creme of revenge: a blue light brigade stuck in the same traffic!

So why then, would it be different for cows? I could almost hear them say: Oh, Clarabelle! Look out. Here comes that Pajero that sprayed dust all over us last week! Let’s have a bit of fun with him. Ladies! Phalanx formation! Hastati (Roman for frolicking calves) move over to the left flank. Principes (Roman for fat cows), enforce the rear. Triarii! (Roman for drama queens) Triarri, let it go, drop your cow pats right on the road where Pajero will be driving. Ha! Let him get his wheels dirty. That’s right, Buttercup, a nice big sneeze all over the windscreen. Well done. Never mind the white Honda. Next time, she will know to leave home earlier. We can’t change our program to suit her lifestyle. In fact, Beef Stew, go up close to her window and give her the eyeball, while Big Mac gives her car a little swoosh with his tail. Osso Buco! Come back here immediately! How dare you break rank? Oh that was fun! Wait till we tell the sheep about our fun morning. They have no idea what they missed out on. Until that afternoon, and there were Lambchoppie and Spitbraai leading their flock, having their own fun. By now, I had resigned myself to country traffic, and was rather amused at the sheep, with their fat little wooly bottoms, going off to the left and right, giving their humans the run around, trying to keep them all together.

I eventually got home. Still humming Both Sides Now. It is Wednesday, Colin said. What are you planning to write in your Cape Crawl this week. Oh, I said. I had a very interesting trip today. I told him first about the cows, and then the sheep. Colin gave me that look, you know the one that’s say: Really? This is your excuse for being late for the appointment.

Yes, really. And I have a photo to prove it.