A friend of mine sent me a WhatsApp joke in the week. It was around menopause, and all the unexpected surprises that come with it. Amongst others, not only does The Mean Ms. M rob you of your figure and leave you with a muffin top and hot flushes, but it also steals your sleep. Well, figure wise, there was not much to rob. Adolescence, Chocolate and Motherhood blessed me abundantly. But my sleep, now that is a different matter altogether. You see, my bed is my happy place. I like nothing more than clean linen, clean pajamas and, like clockwork, I fall asleep the moment my head touches my pillow. Not even coffee before bedtime can keep me awake.

That is, of course, until three o’clock in the morning, when the Menopause Monster comes knocking. There is simply nothing I can do about it. Some nights I am lucky enough to find sheep to count, and two hours later I may doze off again. Now, two hours is a very long time to count sheep and at some point, the sheep go off to graze and leaves me wondering if I had counted to 210 or 310, which then keeps me awake a further hour. Other nights I toss and turn and try to wait it out. Those are the nights that Colin also does not sleep well. Who can when your bed feels like a whirlpool. Other nights, I just give up. I get up, make coffee, and sit in the lounge, which by now, has replaced my bed as my happy place, at three in the morning. With not much to do, I mean really, who does anything constructive at that hour, I resort to stalking all my contacts who put photos on their WhatsApp status. And this got me thinking about life, and the season I find myself in. I then I realized that El Nino is messing with my seasons.

I would describe myself as having a “sunny disposition.” I am usually cheerful and happy. I am the eternal optimist, my cup is always somewhere between half full, or overflowing. My sense of humour can smooth out many a situation, and to quote Kenny Rogers: “I know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away, and know when to run”. So, what has changed? What makes me look at myself in the mirror at 3 o’clock in the morning, and not recognize myself? Is it perhaps menopause? Or am I simply stalking too many friends with issues during my enforced waking hours?

What I am learning from these nightly stalks, is that people are changing. Too many of us are left to fight battles that we did not ask for. Too many of us find ourselves being cheated or done in, in some way or another. Too many of us find ourselves being exploited, because we are nice, or of sunny disposition or can be relied on to defuse a situation. Too many people out there seem to think it is OK to be unethical. Too many mothers are left to raise children. Too many fathers are being denied their children. So then, is this the new world we live in, or is Al Nino clouding my judgement. But what I do know is this: I find myself in a place where I want to stop being nice to everyone all the time.

Is this normal? Is this where one turns into a crotchety old woman, a right real Mother Grundy? Perhaps it is menopause? Either way, by the time sleep returns to me two hours later, I have a whole new set of resolutions in place. I am going to stop being nice. Or, the next night, perhaps I just need to stay in bed and recount those sheep. Come wakey time, I have slept off my resolutions, and I go back to greeting the cashier that ignores me. I smile at the person that jumped the queue and console myself that we will all get to the front eventually. I politely offer up the parking I was about to pull into. I make excuses for the person who was so rude to me, shame, they must be having a bad day.

And so, my night stalking one evening took me to an interview that Pamela Anderson did. Do you remember Pammy? The one that made us all want to have blond hair, big boobs, and date David Hasselhoff? Well, time waits for no one, and so too Pammy has grown up and surely must have faced her menopause head on. Today, she is a far more authentic version of herself, and she is proud of it. She is quite happy to appear in public just as she is. And if anyone asked her, she probably would have a few stories of her own about counting sheep or having coffee in the lounge at three in the morning.

Come to think of it, it was rather liberating this past Monday. I had a call from an inconvenient person, who wanted to see me at a convenient time for him, but an inconvenient time for me. I was brave enough to say, no, it would not suit me. I can accommodate you this afternoon at two. I did not say it, but I did think it: Take it or leave it. Your choice.

He slotted in with me.

Just maybe, the El Nino of my season, will help me to change. Not into the person I plan to be, but the person I am meant to be in the next phase of my life. And when I meet that updated version of me, I do hope that I will like her.